Okay, so I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do.

When I moved back to this area, my intention had been to live with mom and dad for a little while, so I could pay off some debts while being rent-free. My truck is paid for as of last month and now I’m working on my credit cards.

But I don’t know how much longer I can take living there. I love my family, of course, but living with them feels very restrictive right now. I have my old bedroom from when I was growing up, but it’s full of junk… mostly all the stuff I brought back from my old apartment. I feel cramped.

Technically, I could afford to move out now. The truck payment was my biggest non-rent expense. But I don’t know what good moving out would do.

I’ve wanted for a couple years now to try living downtown for a few reasons. First, I think it’d be kind of fun. Second, it’s REALLY convenient to where I work now. Third, I don’t like to drive and living downtown would ease that necessity to an extent… even if it’s just the daily commute to and from work.

Of course, the main disadvantage is that it’s really expensive, and I don’t have a roommate to share the cost with. There’s also the fact that I’m not always particularly social, yet I’ll be surrounded by people all the time. I suppose that’s easy enough to deal with though… I’m pretty good at just ignoring people who don’t interest me, so maybe it’s not that big a deal.

Fuck it. Doesn’t make any difference anyway. I’m not going to be any happier there, I’ll just have a little more breathing room.

There’s always Ohio. I’m at least a little bit wanted there… Angela has her issues, but she’s a good person and has at least expressed a LITTLE interest in a relationship with me, which is more than I can say about any other girl I’ve met in, like, forever. Female friends are easy enough to come by. Finding one that wants anything more is rather difficult. And don’t tell me it isn’t.

I’m feeling bitter today.

More later, if I find it necessary.

I can barely concentrate on anything right now. My mind is being pulled in a hundred different directions and I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do about Angela. I do love her, but I don't want to go through another break-up with her, for both our sakes. There's no reason to re-live an old scenario that hurt like hell. I don't blame her for not really understanding her own sexuality. Lots of people who aren't strictly-straight have gone through the same thing. It's not her fault. She can no more choose her own orientation than I chose mine. Everyone gets the hand they're dealt.

But I don't want to be in a relationship where there's no physical intimacy. I don't mean to be lascivious, but physical love is necessary in some form at some point. We're human. Could I live without it for the rest of my life if I had to? Absolutely. Just not my first choice.

Was she just placating me before? I have no desire to have her just be a meathole, waiting for me to finish while she tries to mask her disgust. That's not fair to either of us. I want her to be happy as much as I want to be, too. If that means she needs to be with another girl, then that's what it means. She needs to do just that, and I wouldn't want any less for her.

I don't know what to do. Blah.

I'm going to visit her in January. Haven't decided anything beyond that yet.

If we decide to make another run at this, we need to move in together. Whether that means me moving to Ohio or her moving down here, I don't know. But something has to happen eventually. Long-distance can only remain long-distance for so long. Otherwise, I'm eventually going to end up taking all the money I have and blowing it on drugs and strippers (not necessarily in that order... in fact, just take drugs off the list, never really cared about them).

That's all of the downside. There is an upside to everything as well. I don't doubt at all that she loves me (emotionally speaking) and that counts for a LOT. I know that we get along really well together. I know that I can trust her with anything. All of those things matter to me.

*sigh*

I don't need to be writing this sort of thing while I'm at work... I'll come back and finish it later.

Aishiteta to nakeku niwa
Amarinimo toki wa sugite shimatta
Mada kokoro no hokorobi wo
Iyasenu mama kaze ga fuiteru

Hitotsu no mede asu wo mite
Hitotsu no mede kinou mitsumeteru
Kimi no ai no yurikagode
Mo ichido yasurakani nemuretara

Kawaita hitomi de dareka naite kure

The real folk blues
Honto no kanashimi ga shiritai dake
Doro no kawa ni tsukatta
Jinsei mo waruku wa nai
Ichido kiri de owaru nara

Kibouni michita zetsubou to
Wana ga shikakerareteru kono chansu
Nani ga yokute warui no ka
Koin no omote to kura mitaita

Doredake ikireba iyasareru no darou

The real folk blues
Honto no yorokobiga shiritai dake
Hikaru mono no subete ga ougon towakagiranai

The real folk blues
Honto no kanashimi ga shiritai dake
Doro no kawa ni tsukatta
Jinsei mo waruku wa nai
Ichido kiri de owaru nara

Lyrics: Yuho Iwasato
Vocals: Mai Yamane


* * *

Too much time has passed by to
lament that we were deeply in love.
The wind keeps blowing, while my heart
cannot heal all the tears in it.

Watching tomorrow with one eye
while keeping the other on yesterday…
If only I could peacefully sleep
in the cradle of your love again.

Someone, cry for me with parched eyes.

The real folk blues.
I only want to know what true sadness is.
Sitting in muddy water
isn't such a bad life,
if it ends after the first time.

Despair filled with hope,
and this chance with a trap set.
What's right or wrong?
It's like two sides of a coin.

How long must I live till I'm healed?

The real folk blues.
I only want to know what true happiness is…
All that glitters is not gold.

The real folk blues.
I only want to know what true sadness is.
Sitting in muddy water
isn't such a bad life,
if it ends after the first time.

I said I would write something tonight. Don't really feel the inclination to, however.

I don't bother to expend the energy to get worked up over something unless it really matters to me.
I ain't the bad guy here. Everyone deserves to get bitched at from time to time, with me no exception. I fully expect it when the season's good and the time's ripe. Not saying I'm going to like the taste. But I'll deserve it when my time comes.

I've said in private all what I think ought to be said at this point. I don't know or care if anyone else is reading this. I need their input almost as much as a fish needs a bicycle.

In other news, Angela is now of the opinion that she does indeed want to be with me after all... she's just not sure about how physical she can be.

She is someone I would almost consider a celibate life for. Almost.

I kind of wondering if she'll at least split the cost on some lesbo porn subscriptions or something. Hey, we cann all get our proverbial rocks off, right?

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Chpt. 23: In Which There Was a Plot Twist

Hurrm.

I have drama issues.

I talked with Angela for 45 minutes last night. She still says that she does love me and that life would be easier if she could be with me, but she just can't. She says she doesn't feel quite right with a man, and is just generally having problems defining her own sexuality. She has a crush on Milla Jovovich. I told her that if they ever hook up, then I at least deserve to get some hot pictures out of it. She happily agreed. We still get along well, but she's made it clear that there will not be an "us" again.

I'm wondering if I was just so bad that I've ruined her for all men. o.O

In other news, my other MySpace friend and I have been talking a bunch lately. She's going through a divorce because she caught her husband not only hooking up with other women through the internet, but also because he had become abusive towards her. She said it wasn't physical abuse, but it's still plenty bad. They have a kid together... he's not even a year old yet.

She said he wasn't happy with her talking to other men on the internet... uh, like me. Now I can definitively say that Laura and I have never had a thing. As far as I know, we've never even been flirty. We both had LiveJournals (another blogging site) at one point, we both like Johnny Depp movies, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So we had stuff to talk about. Just general small talk, not like deep thoughts and feelings or anything. When she posted a blog entry about having a baby, she put up a link to where she was registered. It was a public announcement to everyone on her friends list. I followed the link and bought something for them... I don't even remember exactly what. I think it was a Winnie the Pooh mobile for the crib or something. Apparently that may have caused some tension.

I'm not so egotistical to think I broke up their marriage over a mobile. I have no delusions about my degree of importance in the world. However, it does really bother me that I may have played even the tiniest part in this. In a situation like she describes, I'd expect a divorce to have been the result anyway. But I'm still uncomfortable with having been an item on a list of grievances just for trying to be generous to a friend.

So anyway, she was IM-ing me about her frustrations with the divorce process, being a single mom, etc. She also mentioned having feelings for someone who's "so far away" and who she "never sees." She's been asking me to come visit and she said a lot of things to indicate she has an internet crush on someone. How do I know? Hell, I did the internet romance thing once... I know what it looks like. I don't want to jump to conclusions and I don't want to be egotistical... but I really hope she's not hinting that she wants to have a thing with me. She knows of my previous internet relationship and therefore may think that I'm okay with it... and while I have nothing against it - love is not bound by physical proximity - I don't think it's something I can put myself through again. I'm touchy-feely. I need someone to cuddle up with. Beyond that is the more important fact that I don't have feelings like that for her. I think she's a great person who will make someone very happy to be with. But I don't feel like she'd be a good fit for me.

Honestly, I've been kinda crushing on someone else lately anyway, so my affectionate feelings are pointed elsewhere. This also is giving me much to ponder.

Bah. I'm probably overthinking this just as I do with damn near everything. *sigh*

Hm.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words.

I'd say "love" is a word that's inspired a million pictures.

Chpt. 22: In Which Much Was Made Known of Certain Players

I'm sad.

Tonight has seemed to be pretty much a bust, aside from seeing some cute doggie pictures.

I talked to Angela for a few minutes after I got home. I wish I understood why she ditched me. I don't know if that'd make it hurt any less, but at least I'd know. She still wants to be friends, but I'm becoming less convinced that that's possible. Before we were romantically involved, she once made the comment that best friends can't be lovers or roommates. It just doesn't work that way. She may have been right. Considering that we were best friends, lovers, and had made plans for her to move in with me, I guess we botched it on all counts.

I love her to death, though I'm not really in love with her at the moment (if that makes any sense).

What I really want out of life is to find someone who can love me the way I love them. Sappy, I know. But for better or worse, I didn't grow up on religion, I grew up on fairy-tales of all sorts. I don't know that that's a particularly realistic goal to have at this point.

Whenever I appear to be down, it's probably because I'm feeling lonely. *shrug* So it goes.

(Have you ever read Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut? I luff that book.)

...maybe I need a puppy?

Or to get laid? Maybe by Jenna Jameson?

Ooh... what if Jenna banged me and bought me a puppy? How much would that rock?

Though I'd still rather have a real girlfriend to love and be happy with and stuff. And have hot sex with when the time was right. ;-)

I'm sleepy. I should go to bed and pretend to sleep.

Given the fact that it's 2:18 a.m., and that I'm wide-awake, I might as well make a "to-do" list. So:

1. Buy Melatonin.

Yep. That's a good list.

Melatonin is my new friend, I think.

I am feeling a distinct lack of passion about, well... most everything right now. It's not that I don't want to feel it... in all honestly, I'd really prefer to. I just happen to be having a lot of trouble finding the right subject.

...melatonin, maybe?

Sawaddi for lunch. Whee!

Today was an unremarkable day at work. Nothing much of interest happened.

I'm listening to Yahoo! radio at the moment... it keeps playing all this generic pop-rock type stuff. I could've sworn I set it to play dance/club music. Meh. Whatevah. Heh. Me dancing? The sight would scar you for life. It's something I only inflict on my most hated enemies!

I'm looking forward to sampling the melatonin tonight. I've had problems with insomnia since I was... 6, maybe? A long time, at any rate. It's usually not a problem with falling asleep initially. It's more with staying asleep for any length of time. I guess I'm a light sleeper, too. Doesn't take a whole lot to wake me up... I usually have a fan running, just to make a little white noise. Blocks out the little creaks and other noises that tend to bother me.

Gah... when the hell did it get to be midnight? Must attempt sleep now...

*sigh*

Another day.

I don't care about anything happening here.